Sometimes I feel as if i dont even know who i am.
am i the just the little girl who (unknowingly) grew up trying to push through the affects of sexual abuse?
or am i the woman who was once a victim of oppressive narcissism, and who is still trying to learn how to be free?
Am i the woman who suffered through nine years of Alzheimer’s disease, only to lose her sweet dad when he was only sixty-two years old?
Or maybe I’m the woman who, five years ago, felt the bottom drop out of my world, and every time i regained my footing i was knocked back down again.
it could be that I’m the woman who lost a part of myself the day my daughter walked out of my life, leaving me broken and shattered, and with a bleeding heart.
Truth be told , I’m actually a combination of all of the above.
And when I think about it, I should be a complete mess, with no hope in this crazy, messed-up world.
But I’m not.
You see, through all of my heartache and loss, Jesus has been there all. the. way.
He’s taken the many losses, and the gallons of tears, and he’s used (and is still using) each and every one of them to make me into the woman he wants me to be.
rather than letting me die in the darkest pits of depression that I’ve found myself in over the years, he has picked me up, wiped my tears, and has given me beauty for ashes.
He has lovingly revealed to me the many affects that shame has had on me over the years, and has gently been restoring me and showering me with his love.
He used my dad’s journey with Alzheimer’s to show me that He is a good and loving God, and that I can trust him with those I love.
though my heart is still broken and is yearning for a true relationship with my adult daughter, God has shown me that he is all i need. That even if my daughter and i never have a relationship, he is enough.
he’s given me a new heart, one that now breaks for those who are hurting, and has given me compassion on those who have lost a child, either to death or to the darkness of this world.
he’s taught me how to fully love my husband, and to let him fully love me.
most importantly, Jesus has shown me that i am NOT defined by who i once was, or by the circumstances of my life.
I am not defined by anything that i have done or by anything that has been done to me.
I am defined by the righteousness of Jesus and nothing less.
** this post was shared on Wine’d Down Wednesday.