This will be our fourth Christmas without our oldest girl.
every year that passes gets a little bit easier, but the ache never goes away.
i sometimes find myself wondering if she misses us, and if she ever regrets leaving the way she did.
and I wonder if she’s lonely or if she has someone in her life to love her, and to be there for her when she’s afraid.
is she homeless, or has she found a place to finally call home?
is she happy? Is she safe? Where is she living now?
sometimes the questions run wild through my mind, causing me to feel hopeless and fearful for her life.
it’s so hard knowing that she’s out there “somewhere”, and yet, I have no idea where.
i have no way of contacting her, no way of knowing if she’s dead or alive.
and as a mom, it’s so hard having no answers to these questions.
i love my girl more than words can ever say.
and though there’s been much hurt and sorrow, my “mama’s heart” still aches for my child.
there are times when I long to hear her laugh, or to hug her, if even for a moment.
A mama never stops loving. Never stops longing. Never stops aching.
wether the child is five years old or forty years old, a mama never. lets. go.
It breaks my heart to admit that this is the way things are, and that it’s possible that things may never change.
Quite honestly, I had to come to a place a couple of years ago where I had to give my girl to God.
i was making myself crazy trying to control our situation, trying to “fix” something that wasn’t within my power to fix.
i was a total mess.
and the Lord showed me that I needed to entrust my girl to him.
this certainly didn’t happen overnight, but once I surrendered all control to him, I felt free.
i was able to rest in the assurance that no matter what happens, God is in control.
and I never thought this was possible, but I’ve come to a place where I can accept the reality that we may never have our girl back in our lives; that a sweet relationship with her may never happen.
as painful as that is for me to accept, I’ve learned to put my hope in God, and not in my circumstances.
I miss her and I love her, but she’s not mine, she’s God’s.