October: a month of memories

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October is a hard month for me.

this month marks five years since my dad passed away.

and two days following the death of my dad is the birthday of my oldest girl.

both of those dates come and go with a sting that is still painful and raw.

my dad was my hero, as well as my biggest fan.

he loved me deeply, and went out of his way to make sure I knew.

when Alzheimer’s began to steal my dad away little by little, it was an agony unlike any I had ever known.

with every visit, more of him was gone forever, and nothing we could do could ever bring that part of him back.

for nine years, we said good-bye to piece by piece of this beautiful man, until one day, at 62 years of age, Alzheimer’s had it’s final say, and my sweet dad went home to be with the Lord.

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I’ve shared on here before that three months after my dad passed away my oldest daughter left home.

she was eighteen then, half-way through her senior year in high school, with no job, no car, and nowhere to live.

and yet, she was convinced that living on her own and being out from under our protection was way better.

and so she left.

as she walked out the door, the rest of our family stood crying and begging her not to go.

that day became the beginning of a journey that has led us to hell and back, many, many times.

that was five years ago, and I’m sad to say that things with her are worse now than ever before.

she’s chosen a path that has left me broken and confused, and devastated beyond all belief.

I think of her often, and there are times when I’d give anything to just hug her, and feel her close.

but that can’t happen and most likely never will, short of a miracle.

I’m often times halfway through October before I realize why I’m feeling such a heaviness in my soul.

it’s been five years since I lost both my dad and my girl, and yet, the pain is as fresh now as it was then.

 

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